It’s an alarming and painful statistic: About 85 percent of kids are going to be bullied this year at school. For 30 percent of them, it will be a weekly occurrence, according to Jay Banks, an entertainer and educator who is crisscrossing the country with messages of how to help youth avoid becoming victims or bystanders of bullies.
Banks performed at Lyme-Old Lyme Middle School on April 7, as part of the school’s Day of Respect. The day focused on three aspects of respect: for oneself, the environment, and respect for others.
It started with his STAMP Out Bullying presentation to all students.
Then they attended three 50-minute workshops,
selecting from several in each category of respect, from self-respect and empowerment to respect for cultural diversity and people with disabilities, and environmental topics. The day ended with a motivational multimedia presentation focused on decision-making, conflict resolution, drug prevention, and personal excellence.
Banks uses humor to convey his messages of coping skills and positive self-image. But the underlying topic is no laughing matter.
“Bullying probably has become the biggest problem in our classrooms,” Banks told the Lyme Times. It’s not the same kind of bullying as many parents or grandparents grew up with. It’s more sophisticated, with “overt” and “covert” acts. Banks, who has been at this for more than 30 years, says it is worse in terms of the acts of violence and lack of concern, care, and respect for one another.
“We can spend a lot of money in education, teaching the tests to raise the standards...but if we don’t have safe classrooms, kids don’t learn,” he said. “If we don’t teach prevention early on, and teach children how to avoid and intervene, then we’re going to have to intervene more in middle and high school, instead of spend the time teaching students.”
Research suggests that bullying decreases by high school, but he said that’s because, unfortunately, youth have accepted their roles by then—as victims, bystanders, and bullies. The point of his program is to reach youth in the first two categories.
“A child that has been identified as a bully by the age of 8, research tells us, has a six times greater chance of having a criminal record,” he said.
The kind of bullying today isn’t what Jeffrey Ostroff, principal at Old Lyme Middle School, grew up with in Philadelphia.
“When I was a kid, I got my head stuffed in a toilet. We’d put kids in lockers, lock a teacher in a classroom—that stuff doesn’t happen today,” he said. “What’s more insidious is the ‘You’re not cool,’ or ‘You’re not invited to my party.’ The whole Mean Girls thing.”
While the principal said he doesn’t think 85 percent of LOL Middle School’s 375 sixth- through eighth-graders are being bullied, he doesn’t want to be naïve.
“What we’re trying to do is make respect part of the culture at our school,” he said. “Respect yourself, respect each other, and respect the place you’re in. Responsibility is a triangle, it’s a structure with three sides: the school providing the safe, productive, academic environment, parents supporting the schools, and the kids.”
The school does a number of activities throughout the year to raise awareness and to support its three goals, he said. It participated in No Name Calling Week, a national campaign, earlier this year. It also had a Mix It Up Day that encourages kids to mingle in the lunchroom. This works with the sixth-graders, Ostroff said, but eighth-graders think they are beyond it.
The Hunt O’Fun, a scavenger hunt/interview game, challenges students to find out what interests others have and helps to build ties between kids who don’t otherwise hang out together. Another activity, “Oops and Ouch” Day, is where everyone is encouraged to point out when someone says a painful or mean-spirited comment.
Ostroff said he and the teachers do care. He encourages parents to call the school early on in a bullying situation so staff can address it. When he arrived at the school seven years ago, it was months before the first parent called him to report a bullying incident. And then they assumed he’d known about it all year long.
“If I know about a situation, I’m going to listen to a student. Even if I just spend a couple of minutes listening to a child, it makes a difference,” he said.
Banks agrees that collaboration among parents, schools, and students is crucial. But there is a disconnect, he said, between why students don’t feel they can talk to adults or teachers and the most common responses teachers give to bullied students.
The top three reasons why students don’t report bullies, according to a national survey, are because they are ashamed and don’t want to call attention; they are afraid of retaliation if the teacher brings in the bully; and, most often, because they think their teachers don’t care and won’t do anything about it, he said.
Meanwhile, the top three responses from teachers were hardly empowering, Banks said. The teachers’ responses were: What did you do to provoke this?; You need to learn how to deal with it; and I didn’t see it, the most common response.
That, Banks said, is why students need to learn how to avoid and not lean into bullying situations.
“Bottom line, they get confirmation in their victim’s eyes,” he said. “That doesn’t come from being cocky. It comes from having self-respect and attitude.”
“I think the presentation was good. It made people laugh. I liked the part where he did the ‘No, you’re not going to bully me,’” said Veronica Lee, a seventh-grader. The biggest problem she sees is how girls often make fun of each others’ looks.
Several volunteers, parents, and friends of the school came in to put on the workshops. Topics included exercise, sports, and yoga for health, relaxation, and self-image; what’s your drug IQ; living with AIDS and HIV; a Peace Corps experience - China, a culture in change, and Syria; stereotypes and labels; disabilities, from thinking beyond the wheelchair to understanding visual impairments and sign language; environmental footprints; learning to respect fire; and appreciating pets.
Ryan Nunn, who is in the eighth grade, helped to run a class on diversity, after participating in a Youth Summit activity.
“There’s not a lot of diversity in our school, so we made signs that we put over kids’ heads to show them what labeling or stereotyping can do,” he said. “Our school is pretty small, and everyone knows each other, so it’s not really a bullying problem here.”
Lori Santiago, a young woman who has spina bifida and lives in Waterford, and Kelley MacKenzie, coordinator of United Cerebral Palsy of Eastern Connecticut, helped the students experience what it is like for a person with disabilities to carry out routine functions.
“It was cool to learn how people with disabilities do the same things regular people do, just in different ways,” said Sean McMahon, a seventh-grader. “Like opening a door, how they fold money, or put nicks in coins to help them tell what each is.”
The students had a sample of the daily challenges, attempting to move around in a wheelchair. They donned thick gloves and then tried to pick up candy, and put on blindfolds and tried to count money.
“It took me forever to open a piece of gum,” said seventh-grade student Kristin Cathcart. “I hadn’t even gone around half the way in the wheelchair and my arms were sore.”
Mary Roth, special education teacher, coordinated the day. She has been with the school 11 years.
“It’s part of my life and my beliefs to have respect for differences,” she said. “Everyone has strengths and deserves respect, regardless of their differences and we need to recognize those.”